How Is This BEGINNING of a story???

If someone had told me yesterday at lunch that my life was going to take a turn for the


worst today, I would have laughed so hard I would have shot blue Gatorade out of my nose all


over Penny Brown’s new one hundred dollar leather jacket. I had everything I could possibly


want- didn’t I? I was the head popular, even as a band geek. I had a boyfriend who thought I


was his moon, his sun, and his stars. And, most importantly, I had a sister who would always be


there for me. And I knew that without a doubt; even if she was one of the most unfriendly


person on the face of the earth.


But now here I sat in third period algebra, watching two new kids step slowing into the


classroom, cautiously, as if there was something to be afraid of. Two things bothered me about


this:


1) It was a week before Christmas break. Didn’t the school stop accepting people around


this time? We’re not some normal person school. We’re all advanced in some way or another.


There was no way these two could be good at anything but making deals for crake.


2) I knew I it was going to be hard to hold my social status with these two at school.


They were both gorgeous- there was no making my way around that.


Both had hair that was black as night, maybe even darker. Both were tall, thin, pale, and


walked so gracefully that it was like their life was a ballet. But, the most intriguing thing about


them, was their eyes. The boy, who’s hand were in the back pockets of his black skinny jeans as


he whispered to Mrs. Walker, had eyes the color of purple violets- but lighter. The girl though,


she was something else. Her eyes were red; a bright, vicious red as she glanced the room with a


devious smile on her face.


Mrs. Walker nodded, then pointed to a seat beside Penny and another beside my


boyfriend David. The boy walked over very slowly, then sat down beside Penny. Beside her he


looked like a dark cloud in his skinny jeans, tight white Fall Out Boy t-shirt (which showed off his


fantastic abs if I do say so myself), and black combat boots that made a loud sound each time


they made contact with the ground. The girl, much more quickly than the boy, glided past me


with a glare and then plopped down into the chair beside David. Turning her head slightly, she


flashed him a dazzling smile. My face turned red as I directed my attention back to Mrs. Walker


as she cleared her throat to begin talking.


“Well class,” she began, her voice ringing through the classroom like a wind chime, “we


will have two new students joining us this year. Chris and Raven Nixon. It is a pleasure to have


you in my class.” She finished with a smile, then turned around reluctantly and began babbling


about proper ways to find variables- but apparently I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t pay


attention to shrilly speech. Raven was passing notes with my David.


I don’t blame him though; she was one of the most beautiful people on the face of the


earth. Her long black hair shimmered against her paper pale skin. A strapless, yellow bubble


dress hugged the top half of her figure, and then the bubble came out around her thighs. She


wore shiny black ankle boots, clunky black bracelets on her right wrist, and a cross with black


diamond’s on a silver chain that- when she moved a certain way in the light, looked like it was


bleeding.How Is This BEGINNING of a story???
Not bad, although I got a little confused by the purple and red eyes. Is this going to be a supernatural story? Or are those colored contacts because these people are trying to be strange?





What's a head popular? No need to put 1) and 2). Just say 'First,' and then, 'Second.' Also, what is crake? When editing, shorten it as much as you can. For instance.





'This wasn't a school for normal people; everone was advanced in some way or another.'





Nice and simple. I'm not sure I'm buying that they would immediately become popular just for being gorgeous. They sound a little freaky at first glance.





When writing in the first person, don't say your face turned red unless you're looking in the mirror. How would you know? Explain that your face felt hot with anger or jealousy instead. Also, you never want to say 'if I do say so myself.' You're not writing a letter to a friend.





Keep working on it though, good luck!How Is This BEGINNING of a story???
I think this story is pretty good, although it needs a little work with grammar. What I don't like is how perfect her life sounds at the beginning, about how, even though she's a band geek, she's the most popular person in school, and how she has a perfect boyfriend too. I just don't like that part, or how it started, in the very beginning. The first sentence, I didn't like, but I continued reading, since it seemed like it had potential. I like the idea of your story though, I'm just not sure it's for me. Your character seems a little perky and optimistic, and I can't relate to that at all. I'm a pessimist, and can never see the silver lining on every cloud (unless it's in a sarcastic way). But, I think this is a story that others may be able to relate to. By the way, I got a little ticked when I saw Fall Out Boy show up on Chris's T-shirt. If you want him to be a real punk/emo/skater/scene/etc. and not a poser, then you might have to do a little research on more punk bands. If you knew a lot about FOB, then you'd know that most of the people that listen to them are teenage girls, and they're more pop-punk. Same thing with All Time Low. If you want more of a hard-rock band that's still in current times, then go for something non-mainstream, I personally think it'll enhance the punk image you were going for. More of a non-mainstream band like Asking Alexandria or something more heard of like Bring Me The Horizon. Go for something close to screamo, or hard-rock, maybe some metal. (Sorry about my rant on bands, the FOB part just ticked me off.) It's pretty good, though. Keep writing!





Could anyone help me with my writing? Please?


http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
The way you practice is the way you perform. First let me say you are a talented writer. Grammatically your work needs cleaning up. Your work needs work on style and Grammar and I would suggest you get a copy of Websters 21st Century Guide to Speech, Style and Grammar.





You roped me in from the first sentence. (That's Good, these days you can't waste time like Tolstoy does) Don't use the word ';that'; unnecessarily. Don't use 2 words when one will do. Your first sentence should have begun with Yesterday, if someone---your boyfriend thinking you were his sun, moon and stars, you don't have to repeat ';his'; it's understood with the first his. You need to break up your paragraphs and double space your sentences.





You are good. I'm thinking you are easily high school or Junior high but you are GOOD! You just need to learn the correct way to write for publishers because I see no reason why this story will not become a best seller for the 'tween generation. CONGRATULATIONS.
It sounds good, just check some of your grammar. Is this supposed to be like another Twilight or something? Not to be rude.
Drop the 1) you don't do that in fiction. It was too long and you told us how attractive they were too many times. We got it. The description of the what they were wearing was good. The opening is fine, I don't know what relationship you are going to have with them. Is it a contest to see who is more popular or is he/she going to steal your boyfriend? Are they (Please don't make them vampires!) something more than new kids in school? Maybe you could describe the setting, the weather outside, the temperature, the smells, etc. Make it relate to how these two kids are going to affect the story. You told it in first person and you have a nice voice to your writing. I liked that the most. But, again, no vampires!
Quite good as long as they don't turn out to be vampires and she doesn't fall for Chris.
OMG. WHERE'S THE REST?!





lol. I was reading it then i got to the end and i was dissapointed that it ended already. lol





you've got to tell me what happens, who are these new people?


OMG. I GOT TO KNOW! lol























(or you can just send me the finished copy) *wink wink*