I hate how my life is right now idk what to do!! i think im going to explode with violence!?

I've been sitting in this chair trying to think of how I can present this to you for the past 20-30min so im just gonna say whats been on my mind for the past 4 years of hell.



It all began in 6th grade.... I started getting more and more certificates in school and I saw that that made my parents happy and I first discovered the most wonderful feeling in this world....to be proud of yourself.... But for some reason people didn't like that. I was slowly getting rejected my ';friends'; and girls. and along with loss of friends came bullies. I am 15 years old im at my freshman year of highschool and this has been going on for 4 years....



People started picking on me and calling me names absolutely no reason at all. I had very few friends and to this day i can only count my friends with one hand. I have never had a girlfriend or anything close to that because people simply dont like me. I didnt understand....i wasnt acting any different and suddenly everything changed. If you would look at me you wouldn't say I look like a nerd or anything just some average guy.



as time pasted i started getting picked on more and more and the whole F-in time i didn't do or say anything to them because I was just confused why someone would do and say those things to me right out of the blank. As my bully troubles increased so did my hate.



name callings after name callings the monster inside me just kept feeding off of it and grew and grew. My self esteem is to the rock bottom right now. when i do something wrong like just sitting there and not saying or doing anything back to them i yell at my self in my head saying how much of a piece of $h!7 i am. the reason i dont do or say anything is because i am the most insecure person in this planet. I normally have somewhat of a deep voice but when i speak to people that hurt me i almost sound like a F-in chick!! i cant stand this!!!



NOW TO THE POINT...... to this day im still getting bullied and the monster of hate i told you about has grown bigger than me and i feel like im about to go crazy. After a ';scene'; of bullying i imagine myself doing what i would do if i had the balls over and over and over again. Im so full of rage and hate even from things that happened 4 years ago. Its just a big pile of hate urging to come out. about 2 months ago i was about to let it all out on a bully i knew i could kick his @$s with my eyes closed but i ended up doing nothing because i was afraid once i start hitting him i wouldnt stop until i died from exhaustion. when i was in 7 or 8 grade i took the cap off a pen and left the sharp point and put it in my pocket. I was about to stab a bully in the throat if he did something but he didnt do anything that day. Day after day I rewind and rewind what I would do to them if i had the balls to. I don't want to but its just pouring out of me.



At home i sometimes over-react to little situation because of my huge impatience. Today i pushed my sister to the ground because i was mad she moved my rockband drums and dissembled them. I really didn't want to do it just happened in an instant.



At school i get called a nerd and a geek from people i dont even know. I also get called a ';gringo'; because i am a Hispanic going to an all Hispanic school and when I speak English I don't speak with much of an accent. I pray to GOD to help me because I am committing a sin every time I repaly my murder in my mind. I feel like a worthless piece of $h!7 and I have even had my doubts on my religion because I have yet to receive help from God. I hate the people that made me miserable, I hate how society works these days, and I hate myself above all.



Despite all this you have just read. Please understand this is the other half of myself (I know that sounds kinda weird) I am a very good person I truly believe I am I have just been ripped apart in two. My family says im a very funny and fun loving person but i know that I am none of that as long as I hold this monster in me............What should I do please help me I'm begging you I am a good person I don't deserve this!!!



Please don't say ';defend yourself man! kick their @$$!'; because if I do im afraid i won't stopI hate how my life is right now idk what to do!! i think im going to explode with violence!?
Anger and hate are only surface feelings; I'm sure you know this. Deep down you are feeling hurt and rejected; this is the first thing you need to understand.



It's difficult to give advice on bullying, but I will tell you something to do that will put them off their guard and surprise them. When they do something to you, tell them how you feel. Not with anger and hate. Tell them that what they did really hurt you. They'll be surprised, and maybe something will start to change.



I've done this with people around me. If something happens that makes me feel hurt, left out, rejected, etc, I tell them exactly how I feel. They're surprised, and mostly they're good people and oftentimes I'll hear their side of the story (though in your case they probably don't have a very good side of a story).



If you believe in God, you need to have Faith. Real faith. Blind faith. You need to truly believe that he will help you and if you truly believe, he'll do it. It really works. I have a mental condition, and it created a certain problem for me. Well I prayed and had true faith, and he took the problem away.



You should also find some way to take out your rage. Do something that makes you feel happy. Play a video game, watch a movie, hang out with your few friends. It also helps to talk to someone about your frustrations.



But really, people can just be cruel. You don't want to really hurt anyone, so I suggest telling them your true feelings and see how that makes them feel. You may be surprised and they might actually feel bad about what they did.I hate how my life is right now idk what to do!! i think im going to explode with violence!?
get rid of your god and fight i know yo don't want to hear that but it's true

i gave my bully a concussion with two hits and he stayed in the hospital for 2 days

you have to let it out now because it can be a gun later on .
=[ I am so sorry. Nobody deserves this. I think you need to talk to someone about what is going on. That doesn't mean you turn in the names of everyone who has bullied you. It means you need to vent. Find a hobby. Or try running. Running helps me get rid of anger. Really. You can push yourself and get rid of all your anger. I'm sorry I really wish I knew how to say what I want to say to you....keep being a good personl. I can tell that you are. Keep on keepin on.