What do you think of my style of writing?

this is part of the first chapter to a story i'm writing

some background info: a girl wakes up in a remote wilderness, with amnesia (she's been out of it, so she doesn't realize it for a few minutes)



if something is in * *, then its a thought



She awoke to a blanket of darkness and the chirping of crickets. Blinking her eyes to clear away the last vestiges of slumber, and thankful that she was no longer seeing double, the girl realized that she was, in fact, lying on a patch of grass. The tranquil evening sky above her was speckled here and there with countless points of light. *Stars*, she thought numbly. *But no moon.*



“Stars,” she whispered. Or tried to, at least. It came out rather cracked and rough, barely escaping past her gummed-together lips. The girl grimaced. Her mouth was bone dry and felt like cotton. A swollen tongue flicked out to lick the chapped lips. *How long have I been here?* she wondered. From the ferocious growling of her stomach to the arid desert that was her mouth, the girl deduced that she must have been unconscious for days. *You’d think someone would notice.*



As she tried to rise from the ground, the girl gave a grunt of annoyance. Everything was utterly unrecognizable. *I might as well be on a different planet.* She was surrounded by a clump of trees, their outlines unnaturally long and menacing in the starlight. In the distance she could see a range of mountains, the girl judging them to be quite far away. The landmarks were definitely not familiar, and there was no sign of civilization in sight. No houselights, streetlights, or any kind of lights, save for the unusual abundance of stars above her head. *Now that I think about it, the reason there are so many stars here is because there are no artificial human lights to block them out. I really must be far away from people, then.*



*A really good question to be asking right now,* she thought with a frown, *would be where the hell am I?*



--end



what do you think? is my style of writing too descriptive/formal?What do you think of my style of writing?
I like it. It seems sort of suspenseful, but curious.What do you think of my style of writing?
very good!
umm i really dont know..
Your style is not too descriptive or formal. I like it. Kudos!
It's fairly good. But the sentence toward the end, where she says ';now that I think about it'; the whole sentence sounds weird. It doesn't sound like someone who justbecame conscious would say..too much like she was reading it. Perhaps she could comment on the fact that she doesn't see any human type lights...no houses..no car lights. To me, the most important thing for her to ask herself right then was not where she was..but who she was.
creative, but not stupid!

answer my question?

go to my page, look under questions asked.

blahblahblahl.

thanks!(:
It's nicely written. The one thing I would say is that it's odd to be this deep inside someone's head and not use their name. She doesn't think of herself as ';the girl';, surely? If you don't want to use it yet for some reason, I recommend you stick with ';she';. Only one character, so nobody's going to get confused.



Nitpick: if she's surrounded by trees, how can she see anything at all in the distance, and how can she tell there aren't a dozen houses hidden?



She also wouldn't be able to see that much in starlight. No moon and no artificial light and you can't see a darn thing - the most would be that she might be able to identify the skyline as mountainous because of where there were no stars.



And why isn't she wondering what happened and how she got here? I'd have thought that would be way higher up her list of concerns than figuring out that artificial light would have masked the stars.
It is a little purple, to be honest. And the last thought doesn't really sound like something that would come into somebody's head. Thoughts aren't usually orderly like that; typically, they're more reactions than elaborate sentences.



Still, you have good grammar and spelling. A little polishing and you should be fine.



Just be careful about what your character is thinking, and make sure it sounds like something an actual person would think. (Also, I'm assuming the asterisks are because Y!A doesn't let you italicize.) For example, the sentence ';*Now that I think about it, the reason there are so many stars here is because there are no artificial human lights to block them out. I really must be far away from people, then.*';



It doesn't sound like something someone would think. Not elaborate sentences. It's probably better to summarize her thought process.



Other than that, though, you're good. :)
I sympathize with your concerns! When I write, I ask myself the same question. It's only lately that I've realized that the situation is more complex than you would think, because you can't determine if a writing style is ';too formal'; or descriptive until you identify what audience you are targeting. If your story is meant to be enjoyed by middle schoolers, you've probably got a problem--your vocabulary is too advanced for the majority of 12-14 year olds. However, if you're writing for an older young adult audience, this is probably a fine level of vocabulary.



I personally like your writing style, but the text seems a little passive. Even in introductory scenes or in scenes where nothing is happening (maybe even especially in scenes where all the action is introspective) you need to have a bit more of a bang to your words, a little more stylistic flair, to keep the reader's attention on what you're trying to convey. So keep in mind that a more formal writing style often makes it more difficult to convey emotion.



Also, a character that has just woken up and has amnesia might be a little more groggy and her thoughts might be more muddled than the clarity your main character posseses, at least for a little bit. To make the situation more real, I suggest you maybe try to make her out to be a little less analytic and more confused in the beginning.



Other than that, good job :) This sounds like it could become an interesting story!